Adventures in Mommyhood- week 9

This week has sucked on an overall sense.  Several different people told me that going to work was hard but it got better.  I was told that during the first day I would bawl, on the second day I would cry and on the third day I would be misty eyed.  The reality was that on the third day I was still bawling.

It was so horrible.  Grandma was baby sitting so I was not worried about his well being which was helpful but I was then left to focus on how much I missed him and wondering what cute things I was missing watching him do.

As a result of this I went from motivated top ranked  supervisor to someone that couldn’t care less about work stuff.  Last week I did the bare minimum, basically stuff to make sure that my agent’s paychecks were accurate.  If someone was eating, using a cell phone or violating dress code I would have gone into corrective action mode but instead I didn’t care.  Hubby says that I have turned into what used to be my nightmare employee, I can blame the depression from being away from my baby for that.

I will most likely be resigning my job tomorrow for a variety of reasons, I’ll know for sure when I go there tomorrow.  Because the program that I was working on ended last week, they have transferred me to be a supervisor for a different campaign but the training would be 1 month working until very late at night, something that I can’t do.  Also because I’m the last person to be transferred to that campaign I lost my seniority and will be last to pick a shift so chances are good that I would be stuck working nights after training as well.  My boss with her uber sensitive attitude essentially said that it was my fault for taking too long for maternity leave saying that this wouldn’t have happened if I had returned to work 3 weeks earlier, tough luck!

I am already looking for part time work, working full time was causing too much strain and it is best if I gradually transition into the workforce rather than having to be away from Shammy for such a long stretch of time cold turkey.  I hope that something pans out soon to minimize the financial strain that this will cause. Now I kinda regret not having kept Bandora’s Lair alive.  I’m contemplating redoing the website to offer e-mail readings again but I’m limited on what else I can offer at the moment.

I’m feeling so much better after making this decision, husband isn’t thrilled about it but he’s trying to be supportive.  I gave full time work a full week  (actually slightly less as spirit interfered with me having perfect attendance during one week) and it didn’t get easier or better at all, in some ways it actually got worse.

The pump is not the same as my baby and my body missed him just as much my heart and mind did. I am grateful that HR tried to accommodate my need for a place to pump but it was not an optimal arrangement.  I was given a man’s office, one that I didn’t know before returning to work and although he was nice about it, it was still very awkward.  Add to that the fact that even though I gave him my schedule, he would lose track of time and would disrupt my pumping session without meaning to, him and other people that came looking for him and didn’t know that I was there.  It was too stressful to pump and was tempted to get a car adapter and just go to the parking lot. Add to that the time restriction and I’m left with breasts that are not fully emptied and thus jeopardize my milk supply.

The more I think about it, my dream part time job would be to become a breastfeeding counselor for WIC.  I have met 2 of them through La Leche League and have been inspired by what they do.  Given my newfound passion for breastfeeding I have found great joy in helping friends and strangers alike with their nursing.  At the last La Leche League meeting a WIC employee that I talked to briefly commented that I should really consider becoming a counselor.  I would not be eligible for this for a few more month as I need to get more breastfeeding experience under my belt but if it’s meant to be the opportunity will present itself.

The only amusing thing about returning to work is the large number of people that would make comments such as “you’re lucky you didn’t get fat!” or “it doesn’t look like you just had a baby”, it shows how our society is so obsessed about judging people based on their physical appearance.

On non work related news, I have gotten my first flu shot in 10 years.  The things you do as a mother.  This was a though decision as I’ve had negative reactions to this vaccine in the past and I don’t like that it contains a neurotoxin and other unpleasant stuff, my doctor even told me that if I usually didn’t get it then I don’t need to have it but my concern about keeping my baby healthy won and both hubby and I got the shot this weekend.  I’d rather deal with its nastiness (I started to feel crappy within minutes) than put Shammy at risk if I get sick.

With just under a month to go Shammy’s Blessing Ceremony is in full planning mode.  Invites have gone out, but on Facebook and by mail.  I have reduced the budget for the event given the work situation but I’m still exited about it.

I have noticed that I have been using the same sleeping positions that Shammy uses, none of which I used before he was born, it’s kinda cute.

When I thought that he was done cluster feeding… he’s started to do it again this afternoon.  I don’t mind….